Letting go.

So I've been going through a lot of stuff these days, mostly just learning to lean on the Lord. If I'm being really honest, I've failed miserably. So many times I doubt that the Lord has my life and all the things I'm dealing with in His hands. Why? Why do we doubt? The Lord has proven Himself faithful to me so many times...so why can't I just step out of the boat and trust Him? Well, I've given this a lot of thought...and honestly I think it's because (at least in my case) when I sit down and ask myself the question "Is Jesus worth this to me?" (from the book Radical by David Platt) I tell myself that I would rather have this thing than God's best plan for my life. I would rather take this under my own control and know what's going to happen rather than trust that God will reveal His perfect will to me in His perfect timing even if that means laying in bed at night confused, or walking blindly because all I can do is live one day at a time. How ridiculous does that sound?! If you seriously sit down and think about it......I am choosing to take control of something when all I can see is today. All I see are my feelings. All I see is the discomfort. All I see is laying down something that I so desperately want. I'm deciding today that I'm giving it to the one who sees all. The one who places desires in my heart. The one who is always faithful. The one who is love (not the one who loves...he IS love!!). The one who is perfect in all He does. Doesn't it make so much more sense to give every piece of our lives to Him? We sing songs and tell the Lord all the time, "God you have my heart, you have every piece of my life" but is it true? Does He really have every part of your heart. Have you given Him the things you hold most dear to your heart? Have you given Him the things you want to control? If we looked deeply into our hearts and truly examined our lives, I think we would see so many things that we say He is in control of, but honestly...we still hold on.

My challenge for you: Let go.

Just a little something that has been a blessing to me in this place in my life...

"Waiting: Steadfastness, that is holding on; Patience, that is holding back; Expectancy, that is holding the face up; Obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do; Listening, that is holding quiet and still so as to hear. How long Lord must I wait? Never mind, child. Trust Me."

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holiness.

Well, this is a tough blog to start. I went to a conference this week with my church, and really went with the thought that I'm going as a leader and I'm here to pour into the students' lives, but God had a very different plan for me. I won't go through my week day by day, but instead want to just explain what God is changing in my life. I feel a strong call to a place of holiness in my life. Farther than I've ever been, more dependent than I've ever been and definitely more broken than I've ever been. I feel like a lot of the standards and things I've set up on my own were done out of obligation more than a desire to be holy as Christ has called us. "As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all of your conduct, since it is written, 'You shall be holy, for I am holy'". 1 Peter 1:15. What a calling to the body of Christ. How often do we look at the things we do and ask ourselves, is this glorifying Christ or satisfying a selfish desire, because I have a feeling that if we did, we would be scared to look at our lives. I know that what God showed me about my own life made me cry harder than I ever have. It made me see the disobedience in my life, notice I didn't say ignorance, but disobedience. I knew it was not glorifying Christ yet, I allowed so many things to be a part of my life because I was disobedient. I was talking to someone this weekend who encouraged me to look at everything in my life like this, even if you're not convicted about something, shouldn't you still ask yourself, Does this glorify Christ? Can this be related to Jesus? If not, should I really be doing it? I've said it before and I have to keep reminding myself, my purpose on this earth is simply to glorify Christ. No more, no less.

I'm in a state of complete brokenness and it has caused me to question God, not because I don't know that He has everything under control but because I'm human and I am asking my dad as his daughter, why God? Why am I hurting so badly? When does the pain of being broken cease? When will my heart stop hurting? And He keeps reassuring me to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding...Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil...my son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves" Proverbs 3:5, 7, 11-12.

Anyways, this is the hardest blog I've written because my feelings are so beyond what my words can express, hopefully this shed some light on some things going on in my life, but I will end with the fact that even though the brokenness is painful, I'm so joyful and excited to see what God has for me. What a beautiful thing to feel his presence in pain...and how much stronger we feel Him in pain...I haven't gone one second the last two days without feeling him.

Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind. C.S. Lewis

God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world. C.S. Lewis

lauren.

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