holiness.

Well, this is a tough blog to start. I went to a conference this week with my church, and really went with the thought that I'm going as a leader and I'm here to pour into the students' lives, but God had a very different plan for me. I won't go through my week day by day, but instead want to just explain what God is changing in my life. I feel a strong call to a place of holiness in my life. Farther than I've ever been, more dependent than I've ever been and definitely more broken than I've ever been. I feel like a lot of the standards and things I've set up on my own were done out of obligation more than a desire to be holy as Christ has called us. "As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all of your conduct, since it is written, 'You shall be holy, for I am holy'". 1 Peter 1:15. What a calling to the body of Christ. How often do we look at the things we do and ask ourselves, is this glorifying Christ or satisfying a selfish desire, because I have a feeling that if we did, we would be scared to look at our lives. I know that what God showed me about my own life made me cry harder than I ever have. It made me see the disobedience in my life, notice I didn't say ignorance, but disobedience. I knew it was not glorifying Christ yet, I allowed so many things to be a part of my life because I was disobedient. I was talking to someone this weekend who encouraged me to look at everything in my life like this, even if you're not convicted about something, shouldn't you still ask yourself, Does this glorify Christ? Can this be related to Jesus? If not, should I really be doing it? I've said it before and I have to keep reminding myself, my purpose on this earth is simply to glorify Christ. No more, no less.

I'm in a state of complete brokenness and it has caused me to question God, not because I don't know that He has everything under control but because I'm human and I am asking my dad as his daughter, why God? Why am I hurting so badly? When does the pain of being broken cease? When will my heart stop hurting? And He keeps reassuring me to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding...Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil...my son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves" Proverbs 3:5, 7, 11-12.

Anyways, this is the hardest blog I've written because my feelings are so beyond what my words can express, hopefully this shed some light on some things going on in my life, but I will end with the fact that even though the brokenness is painful, I'm so joyful and excited to see what God has for me. What a beautiful thing to feel his presence in pain...and how much stronger we feel Him in pain...I haven't gone one second the last two days without feeling him.

Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind. C.S. Lewis

God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world. C.S. Lewis

lauren.

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strength.

So if you follow both of my blogs, you would have already read that I just took on a second job. If you didn't know that, you haven't read my other blog, so go read it...then hurry back here and read this one lol. Ultimately, this means that I will be working from 6:30 a.m. until 5:00 p.m. When I realized this last night, I had a moment of panic and thought to myself, "Well God, why didn't you just give me this job before I took on the nannying job?" I began to doubt whether or not I would be able to handle this.

Well I just graduate from Evangel with my degree in Education. As some of my CLOSE friends know, during the middle/end of my senior year, I began to doubt my major and the calling that God had on my life (not a good time to doubt that). I really think I began to doubt my ability to juggle the lesson plans, teaching, discipline, grading papers, my social life etc. but I think because God knew that I was scared of this and scared of my future, he gave me both of these jobs to prepare me for what's to come. I honestly believe that through these two jobs, God is telling me,
"Lauren, I know you're worried and when you feel like you can't do this anymore, when you feel like your strength isn't enough...you're probably right. On your own, it is a lot to take on, but don't you see yet that I am your ever faithful Father? I will never leave you and in your time of struggle and weakness my strength will be made perfect in your life. So cast these fears on me and let me show you what it means to depend on me because I have you right where I want you, in the middle of my perfect plan for your life. You're here because every great leader has to be brought through the desert where they feel like they can't go any further because that is when you will begin to develop faith, trust, and dependency on your Father and this is where I will develop your character into the woman I created you to be."

So through this summer, I know I'll be tired and I know I'll feel overwhelmed at times, but I also know that I will grow so close to my Jesus that his presence will be all that I long for because I will need his presence daily to be sustained.

Next time you feel overwhelmed, remember the strength of the Father. The same God that parted the Red Sea, tore down the walls of Jericho, delivered Job from his suffering and the same God that overcame death. Trust in the strength that He gives.
lauren.

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