holiness.

Well, this is a tough blog to start. I went to a conference this week with my church, and really went with the thought that I'm going as a leader and I'm here to pour into the students' lives, but God had a very different plan for me. I won't go through my week day by day, but instead want to just explain what God is changing in my life. I feel a strong call to a place of holiness in my life. Farther than I've ever been, more dependent than I've ever been and definitely more broken than I've ever been. I feel like a lot of the standards and things I've set up on my own were done out of obligation more than a desire to be holy as Christ has called us. "As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all of your conduct, since it is written, 'You shall be holy, for I am holy'". 1 Peter 1:15. What a calling to the body of Christ. How often do we look at the things we do and ask ourselves, is this glorifying Christ or satisfying a selfish desire, because I have a feeling that if we did, we would be scared to look at our lives. I know that what God showed me about my own life made me cry harder than I ever have. It made me see the disobedience in my life, notice I didn't say ignorance, but disobedience. I knew it was not glorifying Christ yet, I allowed so many things to be a part of my life because I was disobedient. I was talking to someone this weekend who encouraged me to look at everything in my life like this, even if you're not convicted about something, shouldn't you still ask yourself, Does this glorify Christ? Can this be related to Jesus? If not, should I really be doing it? I've said it before and I have to keep reminding myself, my purpose on this earth is simply to glorify Christ. No more, no less.

I'm in a state of complete brokenness and it has caused me to question God, not because I don't know that He has everything under control but because I'm human and I am asking my dad as his daughter, why God? Why am I hurting so badly? When does the pain of being broken cease? When will my heart stop hurting? And He keeps reassuring me to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding...Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil...my son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves" Proverbs 3:5, 7, 11-12.

Anyways, this is the hardest blog I've written because my feelings are so beyond what my words can express, hopefully this shed some light on some things going on in my life, but I will end with the fact that even though the brokenness is painful, I'm so joyful and excited to see what God has for me. What a beautiful thing to feel his presence in pain...and how much stronger we feel Him in pain...I haven't gone one second the last two days without feeling him.

Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind. C.S. Lewis

God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world. C.S. Lewis

lauren.